I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
