He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
