you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
