i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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