I could have mohawked her pubes.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
