i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
