I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
