first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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