I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Randomize
