I wish I could punch you in the face.
So drunk its hurt
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
