Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Randomize
