I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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