he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
