That's when you crack a 10am beer
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
