Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
You're completely useless in the revolution.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Randomize
