she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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