It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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