Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
