I just cut my nipple shaving
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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