so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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