New invention idea: vibrating tampons
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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