Having a random hookup so left but love u
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
