I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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