Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Randomize
