i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
