my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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