walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
