We're like a lot better than the average bears
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
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