i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
