checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
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