I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize
