i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
