When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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