I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
