I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
