Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
