im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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