I can text with my tongue
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Vodka?
Forever.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
