Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
