Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
