bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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