Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
