I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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