So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
