my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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