If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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