Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
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