I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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