omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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