If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I need to stop coming to work sober
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
