I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
