I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
