Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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