If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
